I will never forget the woman who shared with me that the best years of her marriage were those when she was a dementia caregiver. “The thing I focused on at that time was how much I loved him and wanted to make his world the best I could for him,” she said.
I loved that. It made me very happy for her.
I also know that the day-to-day challenges of caregiving, the uncertainty, the stress, can cause us to lose sight of the things we love about the person we’re caring for. And the things we love about ourselves!
I invite you, this week, to come up with one thing that you love about the person who you’re caring for, and tell them what that thing is. And while you’re at it, remind yourself about something that you love about you, too.
At Zinnia we’re celebrating love this week with a few videos we hope you’ll watch with someone special in your life. In our Holidays channel we have a few Valentine’s Day videos, and we recently added a Valentine’s Day quiz, too.
Here is me with my sweetheart, Evan. I lost him a few years ago, but boundless love continues to burn brightly in my heart.
📣 Subscriber Shout-Out: Yolanda and Bob
Yolanda is caring for her husband Bob, whose macular degeneration has made it difficult to read, or to watch TV:
"Two days ago Bob and I watched the Zinnia Birds video. He actually watched and was focused on the screen the whole time. We didn’t talk while we were watching. But yesterday we watched the Italian food quiz. We did talk a little as we guessed at the answers to the questions because the pacing is so good. At one time Bob was a very good cook and we always enjoyed Italian food so this video was also nice for reminiscing."
Yolanda, thank you so much for sharing about watching Zinnia with Bob! We hope that you continue to enjoy exploring together!
✅ Allyson’s Weekly Care Tips:
Caregiver Support – Fostering a sense of security
Dementia can turn the world into a confusing, stressful and even scary place. Imagine struggling to recall where you are, why you’re there, or who those people are who seem to know you. Consider the frustration you would feel at no longer being able to perform simple tasks, find the right word, or figure out where the bathroom is in your own home.
As care partners, we need to do our best to imagine what it feels like to be the person we support. This helps us develop empathy, and to foster a greater sense of security for the person we support by creating an environment where they can be successful, feel valued, and experience moments of joy.
Keep a Consistent Routine
People with dementia feel more secure when they know what to expect. Support them by creating a daily schedule for meals, activities, and bedtime. Post a whiteboard in a visible spot with today’s activities listed, for easy check-ins. If activities like a dental appointment provoke anxiety, it might be best to avoid giving advance notice. Instead, share about those activities closer to the time that they are taking place, and maybe even pair them with something enjoyable. ‘Hey Mom, let’s head to the dentist for your annual checkup and then grab a coffee together.
Set expectations when you’re helping a person with activities, too. Let your wife know that you are going to brush her hair before you start brushing it. Better still, ask permission first.
Set a Reassuring Tone and Avoid Arguments
Brain changes from dementia slow down a person’s ability to track a conversation. You can help by speaking calmly, slowly, and with reassurance. If they become agitated or confused, acknowledge what has caused them to be upset, and agree that you would find that upsetting, too. Avoid arguing and correcting. If the person you support forgets about a planned activity, for instance, and is angry that you neglected to give them advance notice, correcting them or arguing will only make things worse. Instead, it’s up to the person with a healthy brain to simply offer an apology and agree to try harder next time.
Minimize Triggers That Cause Anxiety
Loud noises, sudden changes in routine, and unfamiliar or overly stimulating environments can trigger anxiety. You can’t possibly plan for everything that might be upsetting. Instead, when upset happens, do your best to stay calm, and try to change the situation, not the person. You might need to leave the store, the restaurant, church, sooner than you’d like. It’s hard work, and often inconvenient, but we need to be prepared to let go of the plan without assigning blame.
Respond with Patience
If the person you support asks the same question repeatedly, try to respond with patience, and curiosity. Are they continuing to ask when dinner will be ready because they’re actually hungry now? If they were traditionally the one who cooked dinner, can you give them a task to help them feel like they are still needed? When questions persist, try writing the question and the answer on a white board that you can easily direct them to.
People living with dementia are still able to remember how you have made them feel. If you’re able to practice patience, and bring them ease instead of becoming upset yourself, that goes a long way toward future success, and an overall sense of security. And remember that a little bit of encouragement goes a long way, so celebrate small victories and let the person know how much it helps you to have them in your life.
Encourage Independence to help them feel a sense of control
When we’re able to accomplish the things we set out to do, we feel more in control, and more secure. A picture of a toilet on a door, or a sign that says “Bathroom” can increase independence and reduce confusion. Posting a list of steps required to brush teeth, make coffee, get dressed can help a person accomplish tasks without additional assistance. Watch for ways to make small changes that simplify procedures. For instance, limiting the number of shirts in the drawer makes the choice of what to wear easier. And offer simple choices rather than open-ended questions. Asking, “Would you like the blue sweater or the green one?” allows the person to participate without feeling overwhelmed.
In addition to considering what it feels like to be a person living with dementia, think about what it feels like to be a person who doesn’t have dementia and is secure in their surroundings. We feel secure when we are treated with dignity and respect. When we experience success in the things we set out to do. When our opinions matter. And when we are made to feel like we matter, too.
It’s hard work to be a compassionate, empathetic caregiver.
Thank you for giving it your best shot! You’re doing the best you can and that is all anyone can ask of you.
Take good care.
